Once upon a time, there was a domestic violence survivor. She lived through the personal horrors that are the common thread of all abuse, only to land in a heap of tears and fears and a horrible, horrible sense of low self-esteem.
She had two very small children to support, yet she did not have a job. She wondered how she would get money and how she would support her babies. She wondered what would become of her. Most of all, she wondered if her new-found safety from her abuser would be permanent.
She had the unanswered "Why did this happen?" ringing through her head, and too often she let herself believe that she must have been the person who had done something wrong to ruin the relationship.
One day, the survivor noticed she could not make decisions. After countless job interviews that went nowhere, she began to think she would never even find a job, let alone one that would pay enough to support all three of them. She did not have a car, or money for a babysitter, or her own place to live. She developed insomnia from worry. She worried about being able to function normally again and she cried a lot. But worst of all, she had a deep heartache that grew from the realization that someone she loved had hurt her and broken her dreams into pieces.
One night, as she was up late with her worry-driven insomnia, she saw a community-spot for CHOICES on television. Not thinking that anyone would be there, she picked up the phone and called the number on the screen. To her surprise, someone answered the phone! She spent the next two hours talking to the person at the other end, pouring out the details of her story-a story that no one else in her life could comprehend. Somehow, the person behind the voice understood. That person suggested that she join a CHOICES group session and gave her the times and locations. She went, all the while looking for any excuse not to go. She did not speak at her first meeting. Nor did she speak for many more meetings; she just sat and listened as others told their stories.
Then one day, out of a great inner need to do so, she heard her own voice start to tell her story to the group. As the voice continued, tears began to flow, as she realized that she had just taken her first step toward healing. Through the group meetings, CHOICES had helped her take her first baby steps toward victory.
The guidance that came from the group meetings helped her gather enough courage to make a life plan. She set what she thought were lofty goals, but had to reset them because she kept reaching them! She found a job, went to school, got promoted, and raised her children. One day, she met a real man who taught her that all men are not monsters. Later, she married him. Of all the things she went through, this was the scariest step she ever took, yet she never regretted it.
Today, she has a good professional job, is finishing a graduate degree, and is still married to her second husband who has NEVER hit her, or mentally or emotionally abused her, or called her names. Her children are grown, and she now has grandchildren.
That woman was me.
I know in my heart that my success story is attributable to a caring voice on a phone and strangers in a meeting who both shared with me and listened to me. Because these people gave me the gift of their time many years ago, my life is greatly different than it could have been.
For you, it is important that you know that CHOICES is larger than its shelter walls-CHOICES is a movement toward eliminating domestic violence, and guidance plays an important role in that quest. CHOICES is people from all walks of life who truly care about you, the survivor, and your other sisters who need help. These people work tirelessly and selflessly to end the domestic violence cycle, and they continue to do so because they never want you to know the fear and degradation of domestic violence again.
I opened my story with a "Once upon a time…" However, the ugly truth is that domestic violence is not fiction, and that is why I chose to share my story with you-so you can see that it does not have to hold you down in life.
I don't know you personally, yet every day, I think of you and wonder how I can make a difference to you and others like us. I want the same successes for all of you, my Sister Survivors. The outstanding staff and volunteers at CHOICES are giving their time for you--use the programs that CHOICES offers when you feel you need help. Don't look back--just keep moving forward little by little.
And remember, when you do reach your own level of high success (and you will!), come back and help us help others.
Love and Peace,
Debra Kaminski
Understand Abuse
You may be trying to decide if your friend or family member is in an abusive relationship. Although every situation is different, this information will help you recognize signs that might indicate your friend is in an abusive relationship. It will also give you suggestions on how you can help.
Abuse is never the victim's fault.
Abuse is a pattern of physically and emotionally violent and coercive (intimidating) behaviors that one person uses to exercise power and control over another. Abusers may use verbal insults, emotional abuse, financial control, threats and/or sexual and physical violence as a way to dominate their partners and get their way.
Here are some examples of abuse:
- Verbal: Name calling, threats to hurt or kill or put-downs.
- Emotional: Isolation from others, ridicule, criticism, blame, abuse of pets, accusations of affairs, making account for time, criticism of friends and family or challenging authority with children.
- Financial or Resource: Controlling money or bank accounts, withholding child support, destroying property, taking keys or purse, running up debt or ruining credit.
- Sexual: Constant sexual demands, forcing unwanted sexual acts, forcing family members to see pornographic materials or wanting sex after abuse.
- Physical: Pushing, kicking, biting, locking in or out of house, slapping, choking, throwing or hitting objects, threatening to use or using a knife or gun.
Trust your desire to help. Domestic violence almost never stops on its own.
Recognize the Signs of Abuse
- Her partner acts very controlling and puts her down in front of other people.
- Her partner violently loses his temper, striking or breaking objects.
- He acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially me.
- She becomes quiet when he is around and seems afraid of making him angry.
- She stops seeing her friends and family members, becoming more and more isolated.
- She often has unexplained injuries or the explanations she offers do not quite add up. (Sometime you will not see any bruises, as abusers target their blows to areas that can be covered with clothing.)
- She casually mentions his violent behavior but says it is "not a big deal."
- She often cancels plans at the last minute.
- Her partner controls her finances, her behavior and even who she socializes with.
- Her child acts out, is frequently upset or is very quiet and withdrawn.
What You Can Do
When someone you care about is a victim of abuse, it is hard for friends and family members to know what to do. Here are some ideas you can use to help your friend talk about the abuse and get help that is available. Remember: your friend may not see herself as a victim or her partner as an abuser. Try to avoid those words when talking to her.
- Ask specific questions. Ask "Has he ever pushed or shoved you?" or "Has he ever called you or your children names?"
- Know the effects of domestic violence. Share them with the victim in a non-judgmental way that lets her know you are concerned.
- Do not criticize the abuser. Criticizing her partner can cause distance in your relationship, making her less likely to come to you for support.
- Listen without judging. Tell your friend that you care and are willing to listen. Is she is willing to talk, listen carefully and talk in a safe place. Believe her.
- Trust her knowledge. Victims are "experts" on their relationships and know the patterns of violence in the abuser's behavior, so trust your friend to judge when she is safest.
- Give her positive feedback. All types of abuse lower the victim's self-esteem. Remind your friend of her strengths and abilities and her importance to you.
- Do not make choices for her. Abusers often limit the victim's ability to make choices. Try not to repeat this behavior by giving her ultimatums and orders.
- Learn about community resources. Contact a local domestic violence program to educate yourself about domestic violence and learn more about community resources.
- Encourage her to start a log or journal. This should include details about the frequency, severity and duration of the abuse she has experienced.
- Encourage her to develop a safety plan. Contact your local domestic violence program to learn more information about safety planning.
- Call the police. Contact police immediately if you witness or hear a violent episode. Do not try to intervene.
Understand Why She Stays
There are many reasons why a woman decides to return to or stay in an abusive relationship. In many cases, the victim fears for her life. She may want the violence to end, not the relationship. She may want her children to grow up with both parents. Or, she may be so damaged by the abuse that she thinks the abuse is her fault, or that she can not make it on her own. Whatever the reason for her decision, here is how you can help:
- Help her find resources, provide emotional support and build her self-esteem.
- Encourage her to develop a safety plan for herself and her children.
- Encourage her to keep a log, including evidence of threats sent in letters, email, or left on voicemail or answering machines. Suggest that she keep the log in a safe place.
- Suggest that she tell her doctor or nurse about the violence and ask to have the abuse recorded in her medical records with photographs of injuries. Or, offer to take photos yourself. Suggest that she store the photos in a safe place, along with a written description of what happened. These records will be helpful for her if she decides to take legal action.
Be patient and know your limits. A victim may try to leave several times before she makes a final break, which may take years. Establish boundaries so that you can be supportive, but not overwhelmed by the victim's needs.
How to Help When She Leaves
If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings or transportation to a battered women's program. Decide if you feel comfortable helping her in these ways.
The most important thing you can do is help her develop a safety strategy in advance, which includes setting aside money and important documents in a safe place and making a plan to escape from the violence. Contact CHOICES to learn more about safety planning.
Printed with permission from The Ohio Domestic Violence Network, "A Guide for Family and Friends".